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THE COUCH sports talk and humor |
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Under The Cushions
In The Princess Bride, Inigo Montoya devotes his life to avenging his father's death and hunting for his murderer, the six- fingered man. Saddam Hussein is George Bush's six- fingered man. The whole theory that Bush planned to attack Iraq before even becoming President is really not that farfetched. Everybody knows that Saddam embarrassed W's daddy, and nobody embarrasses W's daddy.
The Sox are tied with several clubs for the best record in baseball after 18 games at 12-6. This is without Nomar, Trot and BK. Last year it was a potent offense. Thus far this season the offense has been sporadic, but the pitching has been outstanding. Other than Manny Ramirez, no Sox regular is hitting above .278. The team batting average is .251, third worse in the American League (the yankee$ are worst at .217.) On the other hand, the Sox team E.R.A. is 3.36, best in the league by almost 1/3 of a run (Oakland is second at 3.63.) The Sox are going to be tough to beat when the hitters return if they continue to pitch as they have so far.
The Celtics got smoked by Indiana. S-M-O-K-E-D. Maybe I am being stubborn, but I still think it was better for them to make the playoffs.
Congratulations to Jim O'Brien for picking up the 76er's job. Besides getting back into coaching, if successful he can show division rival Danny Ainge and the Celtics what they are missing. The big question in Philadelphia is how will O'Brien and Allen Iverson get along. O'Brien will have his work cut out for him in that respect. He did deal with the egos of Paul Pierce, Antoine Walker and Ricky Davis in Boston, but Iverson is in a league of his own. He has alienated three straight coaches, from Larry Brown to Chris Ford. He is a prime example of everything that is wrong with the N.B.A., a selfish player more concerned with himself and his stats than a team concept and winning. O'Brien defense before offense theme is also the opposite of Iverson's game. Maybe both will make the other better, with O'Brien adding more an offensive focus, and Iverson buying into the O'Brien team- first mentality. Best of luck to O'Brien
So much for using spring training performance as a means of evaluation for the regular season. David McCarty tied for the Grapefruit League lead in homeruns, but has started the regular season 1 for 13. Keith Foulke was lit up in spring training, but has started the season by appearing in 11 of the Sox first 18 games, logging a win and 5 saves to go along with a 0.93 E.R.A.
O'Brien is the second consecutive former Celtic's coach to lead the Sixers, following Chris Ford.
Kim gets my vote as fifth starter upon his return from the disabled list. With two of the teams top starters free agents next season, it is imperative to get Kim as much exposure as a starter as possible. He was not given enough of a chance last year in the rotation, and his psyche is not suitable for the pressure of late game situations out of the pen in Boston. He is not as valuable out of the pen as Bronson Arroyo. Arroyo has pitched decently in his first three starts, but his arm should be a little more flexible, thus making him a good choice as the team's long man. Either way, he is a great insurance policy for the Boston rotation, where he will likely be a fixture next season.
I think if I needed theme music, I'd choose the Entertainment Tonight tune. It would play every time I entered the room. You want something that's not exceedingly theatrical, but you also do not want zany. The Rocky theme would be my first choice, but it does not fit into all situations. It is much too inspirational for certain occasions. I could not climb into bed (without my woman there, oh snap!) and have 'Gonna Fly Now' playing. I'd be too fired up to sleep. The Looney Tunes theme is good, but it is a little too goofy. If I walk into a conference room for a business meeting and Looney Tunes is playing, no one will take me serious. I might as well walk into a room with a big red clown nose on. The theme from the N.F.L. on Fox is good, but it is a little too dramatic. Imagine walking into a deli to pick up a meatball sub and the Fox N.F.L. music is playing. People would be rolling their eyes, 'who does this guy think he is?' The Entertainment Tonight theme is light- hearted, breezy, and blends easily into any situation. It is also catchy enough that people will be humming it after I leave, making me all the more memorable. For serious occasions it would show me to be someone who is more laid-back and easygoing than stern. It projects confidence, but not cockiness. Now I just have to figure out a way to get it to play every time I make an entrance. A laugh track would be nice too...
Mark Malaska is Brandon Lyon version2004. Claimed off of waivers from Tampa, the lefty Malaska has pitched beautifully for the Sox thus far. Lyon was claimed off of waivers from Toronto last year and had a great first half. Lyon ultimately sputtered down the stretch; most likely from an injury caused by overuse. He was traded to Pittsburgh and back to Boston, then included in the Schilling trade to Arizona. His contributions on the field and as a trade bait were great considering the Sox basically got him for free, from a division rival no less.
Too bad the Bruins bowed out so quickly. To quote Mister Burns' son Larry (Rodney Dangerfield) on the Simpsons, they "fell apart like a Chinese motorcycle" after taking a 3-1 lead over the Montreal Canadiens. There's always next year. Actually, maybe not for the N.H.L.
The Red Sox sweep the yankee$ this weekend in New York. So far the Sox have taken six of seven games from the Bombers. Ask a yankee$ fan for their opinion, and undoubtedly they will say 'It is only April.' It drives me crazy. I did not say the Sox won the World Series, I said they whipped yankee ass in an early season series. Sox fans know better than most people that April wins do not guarantee a championship. The 'April' sentiment is tired. The chants at Fenway are all wrong. The yankee$ don't suck, most of their fans do.
The death of former N.F.L. player Pat Tillman in combat was a terrible tragedy. Tillman did an extraordinary and honorable thing by foregoing a contract worth millions of dollars playing football to join the armed forces. His death is yet another disturbing development in the so-called 'War On Terror.' In recent weeks the number of deaths in Iraq and Afghanistan have continued to increase. Hopefully a change in Presidential leadership this November will lead to a clear strategy for wrapping up the combat operations. The United States cannot simply remove troops immediately because of the mess that the Bush administration has made. We should clearly define our plan and prepare to exit.
Questions, Questions
Is there any relationship between actor Jason Bateman's comeback and Johnny Damon's long hair and beard? Bateman's career short-circuited after his ill-fated star turn as the hero of the 1987 film TeenWolf Too (yes Too, not Two.) This year he stars in a Fox TV sitcom, Arrested Development and has a supporting role in the movie Starsky & Hutch. Maybe Damon is helping Bateman confront his demons, or, perhaps Damon is preparing for lead role in TeenWolf Three?
When a television show passes it's prime, it has jumped the shark. Should there be a similar term for actresses and other female celebrities for whom we once lusted when their appearance declines? Farrah Fawcett is an example, although she is pretty old now. How about 'humping the shark?'
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