| April 1, 2004 |
| Predictions: |
| After what was arguably the most exciting period of hot stove baseball ever, it is time to bust out the crystal ball and see what's in store for the 2004 season. |
On Opening Day in Baltimore, the Sox win 3-0 behind seven one hit innings
from Pedro. Boston Globe columnist Dan Shaughnessy will declare Boston a team of destiny.
yankee$ owner George Steinbrenner will create a new lollipop, the 'yankee's
Suck.' Red Sox fans will provide free advertising by chanting the name of the treat everywhere they go.
Manny Ramirez will come to the plate wearing his left pant leg noticeably
higher than his right. The media storm after the game will be
unprecedented because of Manny's perceived lack of respect for the uniform. A Boston Herald poll places Manny slightly ahead of Osama Bin Laden
and Saddam Hussein as the most evil man alive. Red Sox ownership will have
no choice but to suspend Manny for the remainder of the season.
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Pedro & Richard Simmons will sell perm
haircare products with Manny
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Martinez, Ramirez and Richard Simmons will unveil a new line of haircare products for the athletic man with a perm. People across the country will perm their hair just to be more like their favorite sports stars. You will have a perm by year's end.
Seats will be sold in the press box in an effort to gain more ticket revenue at Fenway Park. Broadcast and print media will be forced to double as
grounds crew or stadium vendors in order to cover the team.
Massachusetts Archbishop Sean P. O'Malley, angered by the team playing it's
home opener on Good Friday and Sox Centerfielder Johnny Damon's occasional
Jesus impressions, will curse the Red Sox to 80 more years of
heartbreak. The proclamation will quickly become known as the Catholic
Whammy. Fans will debate who is more powerful, God or Babe Ruth. Dan
Shaughnessy will quickly write a book declaring Babe Ruth the almighty.
Roger Clemen$ and Andy Pettite will marry May 17 in Boston, the first day
same- sex marriages are allowed legally. Their new ESPN reality show,
'Newlyweds,' will flop.
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Johnny Damon looks like a hobo
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Billy Crystal and Ben Affleck will spar at yankee $tadium when a vendor
hits Affleck in the dome with a poorly thrown bag of peanuts intended for
Crystal. As he rains blows on the head of Crystal, Affleck is overheard
shouting, 'this one's for Bucky, this one's for Offerman, this one's for ARod...'
Damon will begin wearing tattered clothing and begging for change from pitchers in the bullpen.
The Red Sox will lose their final game prior to the All Star break, shrinking their AL East lead to 15 games. Dan Shaughnessy will urge fans
to wait until next year.
Pedro Martinez will be scratched from this year's VH1 Divas show with shoulder
discomfort. Disappointed fans will miss his rendition of his hit song 'I Am The Ace, Get Out of My Face.'
Kevin Millar will grow and shave his facial hair 19 times.
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the Pope will switch to baseball caps
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The Pope will begin wearing baseball hats rather than the traditional papal mitre. An excerpt from his homily explaining the change includes "baseball players are the holiest of all athletes. These great men constantly point to the sky in praise of God. Besides, people sitting behind me at the movies always complained when I wore that other lid."
Barry Bonds will reveal he took steroids because of pressure from team Owner Peter Magowan to be the San Francisco giant. In a related development, Randy Velarde will sue BALCO for false advertising.
Trot Nixon and Nomar Garciaparra will be reduced to role player status upon returning from the disabled list in early May. During their absence, their production is more than replaced by Mark Bellhorn, Cesar Crespo and David McCarty. Celtics commentator Tommy Heinsohn will begin selling 'I LOVE DAVID' t-shirts outside of Fenway.
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if anyone needs supplemental health
insurance, it's Ken Girffey, Jr.
|
After Ken Grifffey, Jr. is placed on the disabled list for the 20th
consecutive season; he wakes up with the head of the AFLAC duck in his bed.
Donald Trump and George $teinbrenner will go to court over the trademark rights to the saying 'You're Fired.' By simply clipping Billy Martin's obituary from an old issue of the Daily News, $teinbrenner will gain exclusive rights to the trademark.
Carl Everett will get into a scrum with a Montreal fan after the fan yells
something in French. The fan will be ejected from Olympic Stadium, cutting
the attendance for the game in half. Everett is quoted as saying 'I
thought French was a brand of mustard, not a brand of talking, now get me a sandwich.'
Fenway Park public-address announcer Carl Beane will be fired for
repeatedly mispronouncing the surname of new closer Keith Foulke a little too much like a cuss word.
Nomar Garciaparra will fidget restlessly in the batter's box before swinging at the first pitch thrown.
The yankee$ will thaw Ted Williams and sign him to play left field.
In an episode eerily similar to the Nancy Kerrigan- Tonya Harding incident, a scheming Alex Rodriguez will hit Derek Jeter in the back of the knee
with a fungo bat in order to regain his familiar Shortstop position.
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David Ortiz looks like Shrek
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On consecutive days, yankee Manager Joe Torre and Sox DH David Ortiz will
abruptly retire from baseball to pursue acting careers. Torre will star on
Broadway as the lead in the theatrical production of 'Elderly
Frankenstein', Ortiz as the lead in 'Shrek On Ice.'
While speaking to reporters regarding the real estate market in Latvia, a
beatle will fly into the mouth of Red Sox Pitcher Curt Schilling. Schilling will pull a
muscle in his back while coughing out the bug, causing him to miss two starts.
Grady Little's wife, Debi (that's Debi Little not Little Debi) will cry during a summer barbecue when her husband
ruins dinner by leaving burgers on the grill too long. One week later she files for divorce.
After the Red Sox win the World Series. Dan Shaughnessy will suffer a
career- ending case of writer's block. As word of his affliction becomes public, Boston erupts into a massive spontaneous party. The ensuing festivities will be bigger
than the Patriots Super Bowl parade, the Sox World Series celebration and Y2K combined.
Pedro Martinez, citing a desire to pitch closer to his Dominican Republic home, will sign with the Toronto Blue Jays.
Under The Cushions
Has any team in history, in any professional sport, started the season with more impact players in their contract year? Pedro Martinez, Derek Lowe, Nomar Garciaparra and Jason Varitek are the superstars who are in the final year of their current contracts. David Ortiz and Scott Williamson are also free agents next winter. Red Sox ownership has said it will not be able to sign all of them, and blames the previous ownership group for placing them in such a tenuous position. That may be true, but it also has not been a secret that these contracts are coming up. It has been pointed to as an issue for several seasons now, and nothing has been done. You play the cards you're dealt, and the Red Sox don’t even seem to be at the table on this one. They did sign Trot Nixon to a new contract, but otherwise they have not made any deals. From Cliff Floyd to Curt Schilling, they have exhibited a willingness to make a move when they have to, but for some reason these players have slipped through the cracks.
It is actually quite amazing to think they have not signed any of these guys at this late point. Think back on all the attention the issue has received. It has been on the minds of the media, the fans and definitely the players since the new ownership took over. The uncertainty may or may not hurt the player or team's performance, but it will most certainly affect focus. Like Carlton Fisk, Mo Vaughn (Mo Vault, as one friend calls him) and Roger Clemen$ before them, it may be time bid adieu to the nucleus of the team. It will be interesting, and a little scary, to see how this progresses. Hopefully none end up in NYC. To steal a line from Seinfeld, 'that's one pretty big matzah ball hanging out there.'
****
I am a big Brian Daubach fan. He may not get a ton of at- bats with so many First Base/ Outfield/ DH types on the roster, but he will have an impact. He is not a superstar, but he always seems to be in the middle of something big, whether it be offensively or defensively. He seems like a great teammate, too. He is streaky to a point that it is maddening, but if he sticks around, mark my words, he will make the Sox a better team.
****
Did you even realize the Sox had Ellis Burks? To have that kind of insurance policy on the bench for late in the game is just awesome.
****
The Sox bench will likely be Crespo, Burks, Daubach, Bellhorn, Doug Mirabelli and McCarty to start the season. Where is the speed? God help us if we need a steal or sac fly late in a game. Damian Jackson had some sort of Superman complex last year. He tried to do too much whenever he was put in a game, but he could run. There is no one to fill that role this year. Jackson was just released from the Rockies camp. With the roster spot opened by the injury to Nomar, he could end up back here. Remember when Jimy williams inexplicably kept using Rico Brogna to pinch run back in 2000? Barring a surprise roster move, we may be looking at something like that again this year.
****
The Boston Bruins have played great since the trading deadline acquisition of Sergei Gonchar. It is the first time in recent memory that they have stepped up and looked to improve late in the season with top shelf talent. Finally! Kudos goes out to Mike O'Connell for giving the fans what they deserve. Many, including myself, have long bemoaned the Bruins role as a farm system for the rest of the NHL. Whether it is the uncertainty related to the possible lockout next year, or a real change in attitude, it is wonderful to see the Bruins going for it.
****
The Celtics have a one and a half-game lead for the last playoff spot as of this morning. They may not make much noise if they get in, but it is good to see them winning.
****
Who would've thunk it, but it's going to be a great sports weekend. The Celtics (Friday & Sunday) and Bruins (Saturday & Sunday) both play games with playoff implications, the Red Sox (Sunday) open up their season in Baltimore and the UConn men's (Saturday) and women's (Sunday) basketball teams play in the Final Four. I may not even see the outdoors with a schedule like that to look forward to.
****
Go UConn!
****
|
the Couch
current |
Playoffs or Bust
Celtics draft vs. playoff prospects
March 18, 2004 |
Boone Doggle!
yankee$ get ARod
February 15, 2004 |
Go Pats!!!
Super Bowl XXXVIII & More
January 21, 2004 |
Buy My Jersey & Say Goodbye
Exodus of My Favorite Players
December 10, 2003 |
Thank You & Good Night
A Great Season Remembered
October 18, 2003 |
Sick, Too
Manny Calls In 'Sick'
September 2, 2003 |
Sox Talk
Wally, McDonough & More
August 24, 2003 |
Ruining My Summah!
familiar August feeling in the Fens
August 21, 2003 |
Deadline Schmeadline
Relevance of MLB's trading deadline
July 25, 2003 |
A Nightmare (Revisited)
Steve DeOssie Responds?
June 25, 2003 |
Close Call
Brandon Lyon Message
June 6, 2003 |
Man Vs. Beast
Reality TV!
January 15, 2003 |
Happy Holidays!
Boston's Christmas List
December 18, 2002 |
Same As It Ever Was
2002 Patriots Mirror 2001 Version
December 2, 2002 |
Adam Vinatieri
autograph session
November 13, 2002 |
Sports Bullplop
made- up stories
November 1, 2002 |
A Nightmare
Steve DeOssie Letter
October 13, 2002 |
Low Moment
Shep vs. Shaughnessy
October 2, 2002 |
Come On Get Happy
the sad sports media
September 16, 2002 |
How Many Strikes?
MLB's labor mess
August 30, 2002 |
yankee$ Suck!
Boston & the yankee$
August 18, 2002 |
Under the Cushions
Random Musings
August 10, 2002 |
Off(erman) You Go
Offerman released
August 1, 2002 |
They Got HIM?!
Floyd traded to Boston
July 31, 2002 |
Cryogenic Freeze
Ted Williams e-mail
July 11, 2002 |
Dan Duquette
Man Or Machine?
March 30, 2002 |
Paul O'Neill
Looks Like A Pig
October 30, 2001 |
Dan Shaughnessy Responds
July 5, 2001 |
Izzy Alcantara
Charges the Mound
July 3, 2001 |
Nomar In Rehab
Recovery In Style
July 3, 2001 |
Lou Merloni
My Twin?
May 30, 2001 |
Damn Bambino
Pedro Sounds Off
May 30, 2001 |
Randy Johnson
Nails a Bird
March 24, 2001 |
Psycho!
Clemen$ Hits Piazza
October 30, 2000 |
No Crying In Baseball
Pedro vs. the D-Rays
August 29, 2000 |
So Long Fatty
Clemen$ Exits Fenway
October 15, 1999 |
Carlton Fisk
Flips the Bird
October 15, 1999 |
Chuck Knoblauch
Argues
October 8, 1998 |
Sox- yankee$ Jokes
October 1, 1998 |
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