Picture a bunch of guys, three sheets to the wind, sitting around a keg of Rolling Rock. One of them incoherently stutters, 'dude, who do you think would win in a race, man or zebra?' His friends applaud, enthusiastically yelling 'zebra, no man'. Suddenly, one of them springs to his feet and at the top of his lungs yells, 'great question, my pop is a big cheese over at Fox, maybe we can get him to set it up for us.' Would you be surprised if this is how Fox came up with the premise for it's latest reality show, Man Versus Beast? To be honest, I could not contain my excitement when I heard Fox would be broadcasting the show. The network that has riveted us in the past with ludicrous premises ranging from 'The Secrets of Al Capone's Vault', to 'When Animals Attack', to 'Celebrity Boxing' and 'Ally McBeal' has done it again.

The premise, man versus animal in a variety of physical challenges. Hosted by Steve Santagati, it is the latest and possibly the best of the current reality television trend. Reality TV? Whoever labeled this reality is living in a different world. Do people go to the zoo and think, 'that polar bear ain't so tough, I bet I could beat him in the pole vault.' Reality it is not. Either way, I am watching.

The first competition involved the world professional eating champion, Kobayashi, versus a black bear, in a hot dog eating contest. The human was protected from the bear by an electric fence, armed security guards carrying guns loaded with tranquilizers darts, and in case all else fails- paramedics. My perspective may have been skewed by the 3 inches of dust on my television screen, but I could swear that Red Sox outfielder Johnny Damon was one of the paramedics. Professional boxing ringside announcer Michael Buffer introduced the match. The talented Michael teased us, introducing the match with his signature 'LETS GET READY TO...EAT.' EAT? Damn, I wanted to hear him say 'rumble.' Memo to Michael, you have no talent, the act is old, go away. With that out of the way, the match was ready to begin. Kobayashi, a fit, thin man, stretched prior to entering the ring, but it did not help. The bear strolled out and quickly devoured all the Nathan's hot dogs- all before the human was even half done. Then, no joke, the bear lifted his arms and growled, as if in triumph. Interviewed afterwards, Kobayashi vowed to train to beat the bear. Can a rematch be in the offing? Stay tuned.

Next, a giant sumo wrestler in a tug of war vs. a seemingly small and weaker orangutan. The orangutan won almost immediately, tossing the sumo into the pit of mud separating them. This one turned out the opposite of what you would expect, and certainly must have been humbling to the sumo wrestler. Perhaps the sumo should visualize a steak dinner on the other end of the rope next time. The orangutan also raised his arms in triumph while the human lay in the pit of mud. How did they get them to do that?!

The third competition was a series of races pitting man against a giraffe and then a zebra. Olympic gold medalist Carl Lewis provided expert commentary. Carl must have needed the gig, as selling gold medals on eBay during a recession is not enough to pay the bills. The sprinter matched up against the animals was Shawn Crawford, the Cheetah man. Shawn explained that he pictures himself as a 'cheetah hunting his prey' prior to the race. Whatever. Not surprisingly, Shawn easily handled the bumbling giraffe. The giraffe was certainly tired, as it's only two weeks since the busy Christmas shopping season ended. Representing a toy store and then running a race would tire you out too.

After the win, Crawford still had the zebra to face. The zebra won, but not without controversy. Shawn felt the zebra cheated, and after a bit of whining he was granted a rematch. At this point I hoped the zebra would hop the fence and maul the Cheetah man. Unfortunately this did not occur, but the zebra did whip ass the second time around. Left only with a big plate of crow, Shawn commented, 'what can I say, I got beat by a zebra.' Awesome.

Next, Navy Seal versus chimpanzee in an obstacle course. The Navy Seal did a little trash talking, calling his primate opponent a 'wannabe human.' The commentator, looking a little like the hot dog- eating bear after a shave, boldly predicted victory for the human, noting that the chimp lacks discipline since he had not been to boot camp. The bold prediction was on target, as the Navy Seal easily won. The victory proved once again that we are the toughest military on earth! U.S.A! U.S.A.!

The final competition pitted 44 midgets, or 'little people' as Fox continually called them, versus an elephant in a contest to pull a parked airplane. Was it really necessary to be politically correct in this context? The 'little people' are making fools of themselves on this silly show, yet we have to be respectful because they are midgets? The 8,800-pound elephant weighed twice as much as the 44 mini me's. The little people were also unfairly trained in teamwork beforehand by alleged strong man Charlie Kaptur. The elephant was given no such advantage, but would it matter? The plane had to be pulled 25 yards, or roughly the same distance Antoine Smith gained in the second half of the 2002 season. As the competition wore on, the looks on the midgets' faces were priceless: determination mixed with pain, all painted on the small midget heads. Finally I know the reason for those onscreen messages accompanying DVD's- the midget's faces were like watching a movie that had not been reformatted for my T.V.'s size. The elephant won, but I could not help but wonder why they did not try to find stronger, younger midgets. This crew looked like shrunken Enron employees. If I were a midget, would I want to compete? The answer is yes, since perhaps pulling a plane would stretch me and make me taller.

The show was educational as well as entertaining. Each animal was introduced with footage of them in the wild. Being a person who cannot flip past those nature shows fast enough, this was like being back in school. The most humorous aspect of each competition was the 'tale of the tape.' This is where size; age, etc. are compared. Whenever they would show the animals best performance in each competition, they would say, 'unknown.' Also, whenever the commentators would introduce the competition, they would note that the animals did not know they were competing. Now that the show has aired, it is likely the animals will return to captivity and notify their colleagues. Will the animals win even more now that the secret is out? The inevitable second edition of the show will answer that question, and I’ll be there watching.