Being a Boston sports fan means you are supposed to be unhappy, no matter what the situation. Chicago and Cleveland fans may have suffered more, but we are Boston- the Hub of the Universe. Our pain is immeasurable, we are cursed and destined for failure. We are the 'fellowship of the miserable' listening to 'nitwit radio.' Rick Pitino may not have won many games as the Celtics former coach, but he gave us a bevy of quotes and perfectly described the attitude when he said 'the negativity in this town sucks.' He sucked too, but thats not my point.

The Patriots won the Super Bowl, but we worried when they traded Drew Bledsoe to Buffalo. The Celtics make the conference finals and continue to play near the top of the Atlantic Division, but we are stuck with Vin Baker. The Bruins have the most points in their conference and the second most in the NHL, but the Fleetcenter is closer to empty than full on most nights. The Red Sox hire a young new GM who makes a few bright moves, but we are worried because most of our superstars are free agents after the 2004 season. Success and good fortune is complained away.

In the spirit of the Boston fan's emotional distress, here is my first annual holiday wish list for the Boston sports scene:

Bruins:
Lower ticket prices, or sign a free agent.
The Bruins continue to play outstanding hockey. Joe Thornton has come into his own and Martin Lapointe is an unsung star. There was outrage when the quotable Pat Burns was fired two seasons ago, but Robbie Ftorek eventually stepped in and pulled the team together. However, fans cannot buy into this group. Each year one high profile player holds out because of management's hard line against salary. Anson Carter, Byron Dafoe (twice,) and Jason Allison are the more recent victims. As we speak Kyle Mclaren sits out. The team also lost star Bill Guerin this season. Other than Thornton, there is no high profile player. Simultaneously with their frugal salary stance, the Bruins have the highest ticket prices in the league. The local media bashes Bruins fans for not going to see this winning team. These are the same people who year after year complain about the team's knack for losing it's superstars. I do not blame the Bruins fans one bit for not attending. Jeremy Jacobs, the Bruins owner, owns the Fleetcenter and it's concessions, and therefore is making all of the money once his players and staff are paid. He is the bad guy here, not the GM, or the coaching staff. Even though the team is winning, it is too much to ask if you are tying to gouge the public. Either lower prices or show you care by signing someone. It actually makes me mad the Bruins do well, not because they are successful in their attempts to keep salaries low, but because their tickets are so overpriced.

Celtics:
Steer the course. New owners: resist the temptation to grab Larry Bird.
With a core of Antoine Walker and Paul Pierce, this team continues to fly in the face of convention and excel. They shoot too many threes, but win. They have no proven NBA point guard or legitimate center, but they win. Walker has matured into a selfless player. At some point he stopped whining and put the team first. Although he tends to excessively complain to the officials, he is durable, talented, and a leader. Pierce is the superstar, and shoulders the load. He is now considered among the game's elite, and rightfully so. He can score, play defense and hit the clutch shot. The team is coached by the unassuming Jim O'Brien. After a few years of fraud Rick Pitino, O'Brien came in and almost immediately turned the team around. With the same core group of players, and similar game plan to Pitino's, O'Brien led the C's to the NBA Eastern Conference finals last season, and they are close to the top of the division this season too. With the failure of Larry Bird's group to secure a franchise in Charlotte, many will look to the Celtics incoming ownership group to lure him in. I say wait. O'Brien and co. have done a fantastic job with limited resources. The new owners may allow more resources, and O'Brien deserves a shot. If they fail, only then consider Larry Legend. Lets not forget our last sure bet of a coach. Besides making millionaires out of several mediocre players, he is now banished to Louisville. Let O'Brien stay.

Patriots:
For God's sake, do not turn into a one hit wonder.
Please make the playoffs. One hit wonder is not good, besides Boston already has the J. Geils Band, and no one remembers who sang ' 99 Red Balloons.' In most sports it is rare for a team to win a championship one year and fail to even qualify for the post season the next. The NFL's goal is parity, and every team has a chance, but lets not go crazy. The champion should at least be counted on for a certain level of success. Last year's Patriots team did not dominate, but got all of the breaks when talent did not push them over the top. I will not try to to point at any one factor, but the defense has not carried the team the way it did last season. With games at home against the Jets and Miami during the final two weeks, the Pats can direct their own fate. Hopefully they direct it towards the playoffs. Lets not become the damned Baltimore Ravens.

Red Sox:
Stop talking about rebuilding Fenway Park. Start over and if you do rebuild, gut it and replace all seating.
I have been to between 15 and 20 Sox games at Fenway per season for the last few years. Leaving without a sore back, bruised shins or stiff neck is just about impossible. The Red Sox V.P. of Public Relations, former dentist Dr. Charles Steinberg is always talking about improving 'the fan experience.' In fact, I have never heard him speak without mentioning 'the fans' within three sentences. A portly man, perhaps he should go sit in the grandstand behind first base for a whole game. Facing the Green Monster is bad enough, but with aisles directly in front of seats (creating the unfortunate eyeball to ass sightline) and small seats, the 'fan experience' can be pretty lousy. It is great that they are putting all sorts of Band-Aids on the old ballpark. The new ownership has certainly done a wonderful job of cleaning the place up, but at some point they HAVE to realize it is a lost cause. I am purist and love Fenway as much as anyone, but I have been to other ballparks, and Fenway is not close when it comes to comfort. I am not asking for leather recliners and topless waitresses, just enough room to boo (and occasionally cheer) without elbowing some drunk in the ribs.

Residents of the Fenway Neighborhood:
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SAVE FENWAY
For the neighborhood groups who sprouted in recent years with their 'Save Fenway' campaign, please remove your heads from your collective rectums. Stop counting your real estate dollars for one second and look around. There is already a ballpark in your neighborhood. Rebuilding the park or building a new park in the same place is not going to change that. When your grandfather left you the house, Fenway Park was there. You are not fooling anyone when you say 'Save Fenway.' What you would prefer is that they move the ballpark altogether to increase your property value. I do not like you!

These are the same people who worried that closing Yawkey Way during games last season would lead to more public drunkenness. First of all, unless you want to buy a sausage or t-shirt, no local goes down Yawkey Way on gameday. Secondly, Hello! If fans choose to wait in the 25 minute line to buy a $6 can of Fosters, they are still stuck inside the park, unless they waste their ticket and leave (there is no readmittance.) If they do leave the park, at least they ease some of the crowding in the seating. The Red Sox have been there since the Titanic sank (with similar results),- we cannot say the same for your longevity in the neighborhood. Go home, save the money and energy used to make your crappy bumper stickers for something better. Better yet, put a bumper sticker over your eyes and another over your mouth so we do not have to deal with you and you with us.

My wishes may seem a little farfetched. It is highly unlikely that the Bruins will lower prices or sign even one of their own free agents. The Patriots have two tough interdivision games against team with strong running backs, their defense biggest problem. The path the new Celtics owners choose is their prerogative, they did pay a lot of money for the team. For the same reasons, the new Red Sox owners may have no choice but to continue renovating Fenway Park. And finally, the 'Save Fenway' people are too stupid to even read this, so I foresee them handing out their bumper stickers even if Fenway remains for the next 100 years.

Happy Holidays All!