photo autographed by Adam Vinatieri

On Tuesday afternoon, November 5, 2002, in the Filenes Department store, pop radio station Mix 98.5 and Ralph Lauren cologne sponsored an autograph session with New England Patriots kicker Adam Vinatieri. The crowd was overwhelmingly female, no doubt owing to the sponsoring radio station’s mix of wimpy music and outstandingly colorless on- air staff. The Super Bowl hero signed pictures (provided by the sponsors) for any dolt willing to interrupt his workday to stand in line with other morons. As I waited along with two friends, the aforementioned homeless gentleman, Mickey, entered the queue 4-5 places behind us. Mickey immediately noted (yelled) that no one was buying his newspaper today. Republican Governor candidate Mitt Romney was outside shaking hands, everyone else was inside waiting for an autograph. Like someone once said, ‘if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.’

My friends and I conjured up amusing situations centering on Mickey and Vinatieri as we waited. We envisioned Mickey asking the football star to sign a piece of paper rather than the photograph provided by the store. After it was signed, Mickey would dance and chant his catchphrase as a bewildered Vinatieri looked on. Mickey would then reveal the rest of the paper as a contract. We imagined a contract naming him the football player's agent or obligating Vinatieri to endorse the ‘Spare Change’ newspaper.

As the line progressed, Mickey attempted to sell "Spare Change" to passersby and kept the crowd loose with humorous comments. A representative of the radio station, Kelly Malone, stalked the crowd, microphone in tow, asking trivia questions and generally promoting the event. Inevitably, their paths crossed. Mickey jubilantly grabbed the microphone and spouted out his rallying cry for the whole store to enjoy, while a nonplused Malone chattered on about the station. When he shouts the catchphrase outside, it is loud- this was deafening.

Eventually we advanced to the head of the queue and had our pictures signed by the affable place-kicker. Recognizing that something extraordinary could occur, we decided to linger long enough to witness the fateful encounter. Much like the millisecond before peeling out the tiny strip of paper from inside a cracked fortune cookie, the anticipation for what was about to transpire was tremendous. Movie directors would kill to build this level of suspense.

Mickey finally reached the front of the line, swept past the first attendant, and approached the stage where Vinatieri sat. He stomped up to the Patriots’ star and slapped a copy of ‘Spare Change’ on the table. The attendant offered a photo, but it was refused with a slight wave. As Vinatieri signed the newspaper, Mickey extended his hand towards the million- dollar kicker. The homeless man smiled as they shook hands. Vinatieri’s hand firmly secured, Mickey then let go one last furious "AH CAH CAH GAH CAH."

PS: Initially this rambling composition was meant to point out the contrast of places in society between the individuals involved. Two men from very different walks of life were meeting: one among the most beloved sports figure in Boston, the other a nameless homeless person; one paid millions for playing a sport, the other paid whatever people have left in their pockets, one selling cologne, the other selling a newspaper by and for homeless people. Alas, the story was too damn entertaining for me squeeze some sort of moral lesson out of it and force the issue on the one or two people who actually read this.