|
As the 2002 trading deadline approaches, the Red Sox and Mets are discussing a trade sending Mo Vaughn back to Boston. Pedro Martinez, in the midst of a stellar season, is pitching with a damaged shoulder, which will require him to end his season in August. The 2003 Montreal Expos will be playing their home games at Fenway Park in Boston. These farfetched stories originated in New York newspapers this year. The reporters crafted pieces using just shreds of truth. Vaughn, overpriced and overweight, was part of an underachieving team. Combined with his poor performance and high salary, these factors would make any trade for him incomprehensible. After an injury- plagued 2001 campaign, Pedro exceeded all expectations with the success he was experiencing. Intensely proud of his accomplishments, and plagued by recurring questions regarding his durability, he was irritated to point that he confronted the writer prior to a game. Major League Baseball is not sure where the Expos will play in 2003. The articles were baseless, and ultimately pure fiction, but were still offered in major publications.
Prior to the 1998 season a story ran in the Boston Globe that the Sox had signed Vaughn to a 7 year, $42 million contract. Negotiations were ongoing, but ultimately broke down. Mo left town for the Angels via free agency after the season. This story was a case of the newspaper trying to beat everyone to a scoop. Much like a pimply sixteen year old boy in a brothel, the paper shot off the story too soon, leaving the readers as frustrated as that same pimple- faced teen's prom date. From Boston to New York, the media organizations were irresponsible for different reasons, but ultimately sacrificed journalistic integrity in the name of selling newspapers.
 |
Homer Simpson
|
Apparently the contributors to these media outlets are Simpsons fans. Each situation is oddly reminiscent of an episode of the television show. Homer Simpson gains notoriety as Mr. X, the purveyor of a website that reports controversial news. After winning a Pulitzer Prize, the identity of Mr. X is revealed. No longer able to access scoops due to the loss of anonymity, Homer resorts to making up outrageous stories- 'bullplop,' as he refers to it.
In the spirit of New York newspapers, the premature Boston Globe story, Homer Simpson and journalistic integrity, please welcome a new feature to the Couch. Here is the first installment of Sports Bullplop!
Anaheim Mighty Ducks Sign Snow As Goalie
Fresh off his stellar performance in the 2002 World Series, San Francisco Giants first baseman J.T. Snow signed a one year contract to tend goal for the NHL's Anaheim Mighty Ducks. Snow caught the attention of the hockey team's management when he slid across home plate and grabbed San Francisco Manager Dusty Baker's three year old son. The young boy was retrieving a bat when he stumbled into harm's way, but Snow's quick reaction saved him from potential danger. A source with the Ducks said "His last name is Snow. For a warm weather hockey franchise, that alone will interest fans. The team stinks anyways, so this won't hurt a thing."
WNBA And Lifetime Network Forge Partnership
The WNBA, an all- female professional basketball league, and the women- oriented Lifetime cable television network have entered into an exclusive arrangement. The deal gives Lifetime broadcast rights to 100% of the league's games. In a cost- cutting move announced just prior to the signing of the new television contract, the league replaced basketballs with tumbleweeds. The WNBA formerly aired some games on ESPN, receiving minimal ratings. An impromptu poll of sports fans suggested viewers preferred video of two guys playing catch to the WNBA product, but Lifetime took a chance. Sentimental movies featuring actresses such as Judith Light, Valerie Bertinelli and former Growing Pains star Tracey Gold will be cut to make room in the network's schedule. There is no word on the reactions of the actresses, though a relapse into an eating disorder is expected for each.
Team Not Literally Giants
Spectators at a recent New York Giants football game at the Meadowlands in New Jersey were surprised to find that the team's players, though large, are not literally giants. Some of the players were exceedingly tall, or of above- average weight, but no actual giants were seen. Interviews with the players confirmed this theory. None of the players endorsed canned vegetables, none had ever terrorized children who disturbed their beanstalk castles, and none of the players were named Andre. In an attempt to quell the burgeoning controversy, the team offered refunds to all dissatisfied customers. Staff was busy as people brought back their tickets at a brisk pace. Team and NFL representatives would not comment on the possibility that fan were returning tickets due to the team's subpar performance this season. In 1989 the Giants experienced a similar firestorm when fans realized the team played in New Jersey rather than their namesake New York.
|
